What is emotional blackmail and how does it apply to pet euthanasia and veterinary medicine? Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation where a person uses fear, obligation, or guilt to influence another person’s behavior. The victim, a veterinarian in this instance, feels pressured to comply with a pet owner’s demand to euthanize an animal. The veterinarian, in an attempt to avoid negative emotional repercussions caused by the pet owner, is placed in moral conflict. Do they do what the pet owner demands even if they feel it’s not in the best interest of the pet, or do they deny the demand and risk emotional retribution?

Here are example emotional blackmail statements said by pet owners to elicit a desired euthanasia outcome. Note – these may be emotionally triggering for some readers.

• “You don’t love animals. If you did, you would agree to euthanize my pet who is suffering.”
• “If you don’t euthanize my pet, I’m going to take it out back and shoot it myself. You are making me kill my own pet.”
• “You’ve always taken such good care of my pets. Why are you saying ‘no’ now when I really need you to say ‘yes’ to this?”
• “I’ll just take my pet and drop him off at the local animal shelter where he will die alone and afraid. Is that what you want?”
• “If you don’t euthanize, my pet is going to hurt someone. Do you want that on your conscience?”

Pet owners who believe their pet should be euthanized may find themselves saying statements like these, without realizing they are engaging in emotional blackmail. Some may know exactly what they are saying, especially if they have been successful in having their demands met in the past. While emotional blackmail is unpleasant, veterinarians and support staff will have to look for the underlying motivations behind it. In my experience, pet owners may say such things out of fear. They feel unheard and are reaching a level of desperation. They are seeking an outcome that serves two purposes…ending the life of their pet and eliminating their own emotional hardship. 

Conflict arises when the pet owner and veterinarian disagree on the reason for euthanasia, and in particular, what suffering is. An owner may indicate that their pet has not eaten in 2 days and how they must be suffering. A veterinarian may see things differently, being more inclined to recommend diagnostics to understand the anorexia and try to resolve the issue before electing something as permanent as euthanasia. It is often a matter of impression or opinion that misaligns between the two parties. Both are attempting to do what they feel is best for the animal, and an agreement, aka win-win, may not be found.

Emotional blackmail can begin during the initial phone call when pet owners are exploring options around euthanasia appointments, including cost of services. This means veterinary receptionists and other support staff may be on the receiving end of negative demands which can erode a love of the job. Emotional blackmail is hard on all team members who are inherently “people pleasers” and would prefer to say yes rather than suffer any loss of approval by pet owners. However, there are times when the “customer” is not right, and requesting something like euthanasia will lead to real harm.

What should veterinarians do to manage emotional blackmail during euthanasia requests?

1. Take time to listen to what the pet owner is saying. Oftentimes, the reason emotional blackmail is delivered is because the pet owner feels lost and misunderstood. If they are grieving the eventual loss of their pet, they need to be understood before having the capacity to understand what the veterinarian/staff is telling them. Give space to learn the true motivations behind a euthanasia request.
2. Offer an empathy statement. Empathy statements help the pet owner feel heard and will develop trust/partnership in the decision-making process. Example empathy statements include:
   ~ “Saying goodbye to a pet is a hard decision.”
   ~ “You want to do what’s best for your pet.”
   ~ “You’ve been dreading this decision for a long time.”
   ~ “It’s natural to feel angry when we feel unsupported.”
3. Offer a responding compassion statement after empathy that directs the conversation in a useful way. Compassion is empathy in action and generates a plan to support the owner and patient.
   ~ “Saying goodbye to a pet is a hard decision. It’s important we talk through all options so we feel comfortable with the outcome and minimize regret.”
   ~ “You want to do what’s best for your pet. Let’s talk a bit more so I can understand the full scope of the situation.”
   ~ “You’ve been dreading this decision for a long time. Because you want to do the best thing for your pet, I’d like to learn more. Tell me more about your reasons for choosing euthanasia.”
   ~ “It’s natural to feel angry when we feel unsupported. Because euthanasia is so permanent, let’s take a few moments to find common ground and work through this together. We will find a solution.”
4. Be ready to offer alternatives to euthanasia. If you don’t want to euthanize and a pet owner does, they have to be given alternative outcomes that preserve or improve the pet’s quality-of-life. Consider how you will advocate for rehoming, offer affordable treatments, encourage behavior modifications, etc. If a reasonable alternative to euthanasia cannot be identified, and you are worried about suffering, perhaps euthanasia is the best course of action. If money is the issue, see if there is a way to help the client get the help they need. 
5. Include how to deal with emotional blackmail situations in your Euthanasia Training Manual.* Protocols can be written down for all team members to follow. The manual becomes the voice of the veterinary practice and helps empower euthanasia practitioners to advocate for what the team believes in. It should outline the euthanasia situations you agree with or will decline, e.g. convenience euthanasia.
6. Practice principle-based medicine, not outcome-based medicine. Veterinarians can focus on what they can control, e.g., their response to the situation using their principles and values as human beings. Think about using patience, kindness, truth, shared experiences, and love to guide all actions. If a pet owner continues to talk using negative, emotional blackmail phrases, the veterinarian may choose to disengage. “I’m sorry but it appears we will not be able to find common ground on this issue. I encourage you to find help elsewhere.” 
7. Document all conversations in medical records. The more that is captured in records, the better. Records give a detailed account of what was requested, what alternatives were offered, and ultimately reasons behind the decision to euthanize or not. 

Being told you are unkind or uncaring is a hard thing to hear. Veterinary medicine is a profession full of communication challenges and moral stress. It can feel overwhelming when pet owners layer on pressure to euthanize a pet. It’s important to remember that people who are themselves “suffering” due to their situation cannot be expected to be at their best. Veterinary professionals will take things in stride and forgive ugliness like emotional blackmail, knowing such things are few and far between compared to all the beauty veterinary medicine holds. It does happen and if it becomes hard to overlook, veterinary team members are encouraged to seek mental health support to cope with such things.

References and Resources

*CAETA provides a Euthanasia Training Manual to those who enroll in our 10-hour Peaceful Euthanasia Certification Program.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/emotional-blackmail